I started going on dates with my emotions

I started going on dates with my emotions.

It might seem random, but it makes perfect sense in my head. Emotions follow me wherever I go. They affect my mood, behaviour, relationships, language, self-esteem - everything really - so why not try to befriend them?

Mind you, I am one of these people who is a master at avoiding emotions. I would rather swallow them, shove them deep into my subconscious mind than sit and – even worse- feel them.

It makes me uncomfortable.

It makes me feel weak.

Vulnerable.

My tactic to avoid emotions worked well for a while until they started acting up. Imagine my surprise when my body locked up and wouldn’t let go of tension – my shoulders turned into wooden beams; my chest became an impenetrable shield. Or when I started waking up at exactly 3:12 every morning with my heart racing, a tornado of thoughts tearing through my mind. Nightmares, mood swings, lack of motivation – party mix no one wants to touch.

Who is this person, I ask myself. Definitely not me, or at least not the version of myself I remember. I start blaming the environment, pointing fingers at everything and everyone, but refuse to stop and look at myself in the mirror.

I. don’t. Want. To. See. What. Is. Hiding. Inside.

At least I didn’t want to. At some point I had to because my mind and my body stopped cooperating with me.

Dropping out of life was new. Just like a child doesn’t want to go to school, I didn’t want to attend daily life. It was fun for a bit – skipping social engagements, watching endless TV, binge eating, avoiding responsibilities. It felt rebellious until it turned into something heavy and sticky.

Needless to say, the journey back wasn’t easy.

I took forever.

it cost me dearly.

But boy was it worth it.

Where did my journey back start?

With meeting Anxiety. The first time we met, we collided. There was way too much emotional turmoil for me to understand what he was trying to say, so I decided to invite him for coffee next week.

I am dreading it.

But I am also curious – did he change? Or did I?

We’ll see.